Is it a good idea to be in a “Try to Get into a Relationship”- Confession-18

Name & Age- Don’t want to disclose. Sex- Male and Location- Can say one of the beautiful countries in the world where I stay now. Though, my native is some other country. This is just a confession nothing erotic, and I am writing it down because people say, when you can’t say it to anyone, it is better to write it down somewhere and feel somehow better. This is about – “Is it a good idea to be in a Try to get into a Relationship” and how situations got me into a situation of true ambivalence.

I work arduously, be it my job or personal business which brings me to cross many people in and out. For quite some time I have been going through many issues which has kept impacting everything. Let me focus on the main agenda of the confession, i.e. related to the relationship rather than describing other issues I am going through. May be around five months back, I talked to someone and it was related to work and we were at two different locations. Most of the communications used to happen over calls or chats. Gradually, I started thinking about getting into a relationship with her. Reasons were pretty simple, she was gregarious, somehow close to what I wanted to achieve in my life, comfortable with her and so on. Today, I feel the day I asked her if we can get into a relationship was the day which exacerbated further issues. Two reasons- Firstly, at that time both of our lives were different. We both used to go for random dating and life used to be ebullient, and now it is all messed up. Secondly, though she never denied trying it, but reality was far cry from what I thought.

Being a guy, who actually never stopped in one girl, somehow got stuck at her. The reasons could be many like tired of random dating or it might have been like I had hit the nail on the head. Surprisingly, things were not the same on the other side. It started becoming a one sided love story where you start expecting from the other person. Things change in you and you notice it. Having had thousand meetings, you get some time out just to talk. But, she was still in the phase of “Try to get into a Relationship” and her responses were dormant. I told few of my friends without giving much details about her as well and they actually never believed me if I am the guy who can fall for someone like this. They know me very well and I had never dated any girl more than once in my life. Was it like I wanted some kinky sex from her? Not at all, if that was the case why I would go for her in a different country? Did I ever lie to her about my past? I tried sharing everything openly, because most of my past experiences are very bad, not just about relationships but also about how I used to be. At this point, I feel she never had that trust in me.

Here are some of the reasons I feel could be because of which the feeling in me started abating-

  • You ignore someone or keep them as one of the suitable options in your life.
  • You don’t trust them and don’t feel it important to talk to them from inner you.
  • You reply at your own convenience only and it doesn’t matter if they want to say something.
  • You never give them a scope to open themselves up.
  • After every ten messages you reply once.
  • You know how to put the calls down. Example- if you don’t feel like talking, and you’re on a call, just say, what’s the time there? Oh okay. I can call you later then! Simple. Your priority in life speaks for itself. You get some time in a day but you lose that too.
  • Lack of understanding- when you are in a relationship or even trying one, that’s one of the bases. If you don’t understand them but just start diatribe over their issues, you are in a discordant situation. Only green and green cannot be a real life thing. Grey is also a part of life.
  • You don’t just care.

 

In fact there are many such things that started happening in just a short span of time. When things are fabulous and you’re part of it, good, but when things are not in place, you just find a reason to walk away, or avoid them?

After coming back from my own native country, my past had started daunting me badly. My past which involves a lot of violence, not for me though but for others. I was going through it and started becoming worse day by day with new issues. Recently, I had hit my leg intentionally to save someone getting hit by one of the doors. When I shared this, I got a response from her as “Look at yourself”.  Oh yeah, I looked at myself and I still feel I was not wrong. Just because I started liking you doesn’t mean I can see someone dying in front of me when I know I have a simple option to save her. Instead of some normal talks as well, the chats started getting into heated discussions. There were no signs of even “Try to get into a Relationship”. See my fate, when it was all bad, I got to know about my own mom. She had to go through treatment for at least a month in December and I will have to visit some country to take care of her with my brother. I never dared to share my issues henceforth because I was afraid what would come next from her similar to “look at yourself”.

When it is a true feeling, you keep striving your best to save it right? That’s what I kept doing always. But, god has its own way to serve you. While going through my own issues with her and when I was even blocked by her, I got to know about someone’s kid who was not able to sleep for many weeks because of his health issue. I was again caught between two stools. I know priority should be her but when it was someone’s life I chose the kid and instead of trying to talk to her I went ahead to be with the kid. Giving priority is important over parties but when it comes to someone’s life I feel there could be nothing more important than it. She chose to continue to block me and truly I never got any messages or signs from her that yes, I am with you, just go ahead with it. When you just take it casually, it will never happen forget about if you’re just trying or even thinking about something for the future.

After his treatment, I left somewhere for some lonely time but again my bad luck, I fell sick. Nothing was going right for me. Even if I did not wanted to do something, I was just getting carried away with it. While coming back, I had drugs on my way. I still had some 50 kms to drive and in between I had stopped at least 5 times due to heavy braking. It was not me, I know this. I was never like this. Something was wrong but who should understand this? I never took a sharp turn at 100+ speed to risk my life on the bay. I could have tried to hide bad things but I did not do that. I instead chose to share everything and as usual, the responses from her were stolid. I was with a girl that evening where she proposed me and declined it politely because she is a friend. She understood this.

I talked to my boss the next day and he told me though it’s nothing serious let’s visit a doctor. Doctor said, every thoughts I am going through is random and try not to visit your own native for some months. The random thoughts happen at times with most of the people and for my case past issues are getting merged causing it to double up. So, there were nothing related to any medical issues. One awesome reply I got from her is “I do not want to invest my time in you”. After reading that I thought, even my boss who met me after so many days could understand my situation why not the person who should understand it the most? Was I trying to get into a relationship which actually never existed? Did I simply ignored all signs of her ignorance in those months that I just kept thinking one sided? Did I just started trusting her blindly that I could never understood that she never trusted me? That also makes me think, does those kinds of true feelings have stopped existing these days? Only dating exists where you just enjoy and move on?

All these thoughts made me to taste my own medicine. As I mentioned earlier, I never dated any girl more than once. I had met a girl some 4 years back. I never told her I want to get into a relationship because I never bothered to even try to get into one so I never set any expectations for others to rely on me. I didn’t know she had started feeling for me. While I was leaving on a night, she told me, you are the second person in my life who touched me. I had a boyfriend in the past and after that I never allowed anyone. Can we try getting into a relationship? I politely denied saying, I never told you I am even going to try it. While I was at the door, I turned back to see as I could hear her crying. Yes she was and she told me, you will understand this a day, you start feeling for someone and they just walk away from your life, like you are doing now. Though I did not cheat her as I never told her I am even trying for a relationship but I can feel how she must have felt when I would have left that night.

I feel, if you are not up for it, don’t even try to get into a relationship. I will continue to work on my issues and try to fix things of my own. My boss every evening takes me for a walk for 15 minutes outside. We sit together and he listens to me like a girlfriend. I know I am surrounded by thousand issues now, but are those not part of grey side of life? Like a tree, our life also gets into greener phase; it is just that, we need to cross the grey phase. My suggestion to others here- be with the person you like in their good and bad both. Help them with love and bolster support to them. One day you will realise they are with you even during your worst phases and still say, “I am with you” when the whole world turn their faces from you.

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