I came out of the ICU some four days back. I live in a different country for work and I had travelled to my home country this month. 30 M here posting my confession if “is it worth to lose self respect just for love”? I started liking someone around seven months back. One of my friend was aware about it and before I started liking her, me and my friend were intimate sometimes and then I decided to keep it to simple friendship. I was not aware that her intention behind friendship was pure lust, which she accepted later on. My friend used to send very long emails to the girl I liked to try to create mess between us which she used to hide from me. Of course she went through a lot due to those emails. Over the seven months, I kept trying my best to make her understand that I really love her but it was always a one sided feelings from my side. She kept telling me this indirectly. If you don’t feel for someone, why would you even care if they wait for you? Same used to happen with me. Most of the mess was created because of my friend as she used to even threaten the girl which I came to know later.
I was supposed to visit my home country for some other emergency but seeing so much of issues with her I decided to meet her. The same week I had told her to block me seeing so much of heated discussions between us. My friend sent me an email about how she was jealous of her and how she used to create mess between us. I thought to give it a new try by meeting her and I kept all other urgent work aside. Trust me those were much more important than meeting someone but for me giving a new life to it was of utmost importance. Since I was blocked by her already, I sent her an email if we can meet? She had agreed to meet in any cities but later on she turned down to meet only in the city where she lives and that was too difficult for me as there were no direct flights there. Still I had to agree to it. I was in a different country for some work at that time but I booked all tickets. It was a real hectic journey to reach there. As soon as I landed in my home country, I got to know about some other incidents where my involvement was necessary. Still I did not decline or delayed the meeting and gave that a priority. Reason- I wanted to save it, so called one sided relationship.
We were communicating through emails during that week. The day I was about to reach there in next four hours I kept calling her to ask what’s next? I was excited to meet her but she wasn’t. She picked the call after 5 consecutive calls and said, when someone is not picking that means they are busy. I said, is it not important that I am coming? I still did not say anything and asked what’s next and where to meet? She said, you still got four hours to reach, call me once you reach and freshen up from your hotel. I landed and she called me if I have landed. It took me some 20-25 minutes to get a cab and the time was almost 9.35 pm. I was outside the hotel when I called her what’s next? She started searching for a place to meet. I asked if she can come over to the hotel as there is a restaurant there too? She denied. I was pissed off already seeing this kind of response from her. Below are the incidents that happened during that night and the day next to it-
1- Even if things are not going right, is it not your responsibility to be there at the airport so you don’t waste time for introductions and all when you have time crunch? Can’t you spare yourself a day for someone who is coming to meet you from thousand miles? You denied coming to any other cities is fine, but can’t you travel a bit in the same city you live? Wow. Own comfort is much more important!
2- Finally she sent me with a restaurant name and I got ready in some 10 minutes and left my hotel. She was already present and I met her. From the beginning I made it clear that I am here to make things right and not to dig about what my friend did. I knew we both did wrong but who can fix those? It was pretty awkward actually for me there. She said, I have good friends and see the friends you have. I asked one of my friends to drop me here and also told him if there is any risk I will call you to pick me up. Really? You feel yourself at risk being with me? I help others when they are left with no options and you find yourself at risk with me? Superb. That pissed me off second time already. I thought for a moment to leave the place but I was still going with my heart and not my mind yet.
3- She started talking about my friend. I understood it was frustration due to long emails my friend used to send. I listened to everything and told her, let’s fix this and not see others apart from us? Her response was silent.
4- She kept asking me what I want to say. With all this going on how could someone just say, I love you so much that I am here to just meet you even though there are thousand other things going on in the background. Sometimes you need to either understand it or make the other person comfortable enough. After some two hours, she again asked me if I have anything else to say? I said- no. I didn’t know she was booking her cab meanwhile. Her cab arrived and she said, let’s go then. Wow. She left. I lit a cigarette outside when she left and thought for a moment, why did I come here? Just to see all this? Is it good to lose self respect just for love? She doesn’t even care what the other person went through to just meet and you don’t think to make your excuse to leave the place. I went back to my hotel, we talked over the phone but the place was killing me. It was around 2 am but I was not feeling good so I booked a cab to a random place and when the cab arrived, I told him, I have no destination. Instead, would you mind if we sit somewhere together and I keep paying your bill as you don’t stop it? He agreed. We sat for some two hours outside. He told me about him and his family and I found it very nice. I had tried calling her five times when we were sitting there but she did not pick up.
5- The next morning I thought to leave as I had other things to look after. Again, the silly heart said, no. Give it a try again as you are here. I called again 3-4 times when she picked up. She said, its ok if you want to meet and if you don’t want to meet also is fine with me. By now, I had understood where are we going ahead but I went with my heart and met her. I told her again, I want to make things smooth for us despite of many things going wrong. She was completely ignorant about if someone is saying something. Being busy on the phone speaks for itself. You cannot spare one or two hours fully to someone. I interrupted once or twice about it but it did not impact. When I was about to leave, I went near her to give her a hug. That was the worst hug I have ever given to someone. Reason- I wanted to hug her.
6- I left the hotel and met another cab driver. We had lunch together and spent sometime. When I was about to board my flight I thought for a moment, I spent more time with two cab drivers in last 16 hours rather than a person for whom I was there. My mind was clear about it but the silly heart creates issue every time. I had told her if the discussion doesn’t gets over, I can extend it by a day but seeing such response I did not extend it. I did not wanted to spend any more time with cab drivers in a new city instead I should meet my friends. It is not a good idea to lose self respect just for love or lose friends also who care about you.
I went to another city to meet some friends. We had a blast there. After that I went to another city where I had some work. I had some other friends with me while we were going for that task. We had stopped at a place for a smoke when I saw a restaurant name with the name of the girl I met. Immediately I started thinking about her words for not getting into violence but it was very late already as we had to save someone that night. When we reached, we got spread into different sides of the place but kept coordinating through calls and pre populated messages. I had fought two men by now when someone punched me hard from the back and I fell. My mind was not able to concentrate on what I wanted to do there. I kept thinking about the restaurant name coincidence on the same night I was there. Due to my delay another man joined him. They kept punching me and I was dumb silent. When I vomited blood I sent a quick message. One of my friend came there and removed two of them. He asked me, why did you not respond back to them? What’s wrong with you? I was silent. I had no answer. I was there to save someone yet my mind was juggling up with thoughts of her and I kept tolerating all punches until I vomited. He took me near a water tap where I washed my face. I sat there for sometime. I made my mind to close this off by not thinking anymore about her otherwise we will fail to save the person there. I again stood and joined them. My friends also got hurt and one of them was not even able to walk as they had kicked his leg multiple times.
We finally found the person there and we were happy. One of my friend lives in the same city and she wasn’t aware about what I was doing, but she was aware that we were doing something. The next day, two of us got admitted due to critical injury and third one had some minor treatment. I was in the ICU for three days. I have had a very narrow escape from death and I got a new life. My phone was broken during all those incidents and when I sat for sometime I kept thinking, why did I came to my home country and what I am doing. Of course it was a proud moment for us but at the same time my mind kept asking me, why did you come to meet someone who doesn’t even care about you? My mind had understood that it is not good to lose self respect just for love. Yes, its right, I was losing my self respect just to make her understand that I love her. But when it is one sided, it is one sided. You cannot force someone to love you right? My question is, when you don’t like someone why are you even saying yes to meet? When you cannot spare sometime for them, what’s the point of meeting them? When you don’t care, say it.
My friend helped me a lot there. I could see how people like to spend time with me and on the other hand the girl was so ignorant about this. When you don’t value something, it is understood by the other person as well. I decided to time being forget about last seven months and the feelings I have for her. With the new year coming up, my resolution would be to focus on my work and positivity, instead of I try to lose self respect just for love. If at a later stage I will feel this should work, I might think about it but for now, I have understood a new life means a lot and I should invest it in good things. Helping others is not bad and I will do where it is utmost needed and try to be away from violence. Over the months I got so deeply interred into her that I could not even realise it was always one sided. Ideally, if you see you are not getting equal response, you should halt there but the silly heart did not allow me to stop. I have to start thinking from mind now and that’s what I am doing. Enough of tears and pain. Its time to rejuvenate myself and make myself a better person, be it my work or personal life. I will work much more than ever now. Love is a pure feeling and can happen to anyone but we need to ensure we are not falling one sided for a person for whom all those feelings doesn’t matter. Don’t lose self respect just for love!